Rating/Genre: PG-13 / Humour
Warning: Mayonnaise, language and a healthy dose of ridiculous crack.
Characters: Hijikata Toushirou, Elizabeth. Featuring also, the rest of the esteemed Shinsengumi as well as cameos by Zura and Gintoki.
Summary: In which Hijikata has a bad day at work and finds solace in the unlikeliest quack–uh, person… thing.
A/N: For my madao bro waketozee, the one responsible for getting me sucked into this acid trip of a series. Zee, this is all your fault.
Some days you just can't win.
Except for the Vice-Commander of Edo's esteemed police force, the Shinsengumi, it was every other day.
Hijikata chewed agitatedly on his cigarette, exhaling barely-contained rage in plumes of smoke through his nose.
It was one of those days at work: dealing with an unreasonable Commander and incompetent fools in the guise of colleagues slacking on the job can raise one's blood pressure to tremendous levels. At one point, he was quite sure he nearly made Yamazaki's Afro spontaneously combust with just a single glance of the famed Hijikata Laser Death Glare.
"Toushiiii, c'mon. Don't scoff and say it's a bad idea!" Commander Kondo Isao whined, looking very much like a hurt puppy. "Otae-san has recently taken to feeding the stray cats in Kabukichō, so if I wear this cat suit, I'm sure she won't be able to resist giving me a tummy rub!"
Hijikata let out a tired sigh as he massaged the space between his eyes. "She won't hesitate to give you a tummy ache, you mean - by splitting your guts wide open."
"But Toushiiii, I spent a lot of time making this!"
"Hijikata-san," Sougo said in a lazy drawl and pinning the Vice-Commander with a disparaging gaze. "You've made the Commander cry. Here, Kondo-san, let me dry those tears for you."
And he promptly aimed a shot at Hijikata with his bazooka. Luckily, Hijikata had already anticapted the move and swan-dived easily to the side, like the born ballerina dancer he was.
The bazooka bullet zoomed past over the men, grazed the ears off Kondo's cat suit and set Yamazaki's Afro aflame for real, before blowing up the wall of the dojo to rain blocks of concrete and broken wood into the air.
"WHAT THE XXX ARE YOU DOING, SOUGO?!" Hijikata spat angrily, pointing his sword at Sougo. Miraculously, his cigarette was still balanced precariously on his lips. Maybe it was a born ballerina too, just like Hijikata was.
"Hmm? I'm just drying the Commander's tears." Sougo said matter-of-factly, as if it should be obvious to all.
"'Drying his tears' my stinkin' foot! And I'm not a goddamn ballerina!"
"Now, now, Hijikata-san. You'll hurt your father's feelings with these nasty things you're saying. He loved the movie Billy Elliot, didn't he?"
"YOU SHUT YOUR TRAP–"
"U-Um, Vice-Commander, Captain Okita..." Yamazaki quipped hesitantly from behind the two. "I don't mean to interrupt, but we seem to have a bit of a situation right now..."
Hijikata tch-ed, lowering his sword. "What is it this time, Yamazaki?"
"The Commander's balls are on fire."
Fuck this shit.
His temper flaring and his growing headache doing multiple ballerina splits over his eyes, Hijikata gave up and decided to take the rest of the afternoon off work (after they finished putting out the fire from Kondo's balls, of course. And Sougo, you sonofabitch, stop inserting that ballerina shit all over the narrative already!)
So here he was, sitting at a street stall nestled in the corner of a quiet alley and away from all those idiots. Finally.
"One mayora special. And double the sides as well." He added, after a thought. After all the commotion in the dojo, he was pretty sure he'd burnt up all his reserved calories. Besides, what went better with mayonnaise than, well, mayonnaise?
The stall owner placed Hijikata's steaming dish in front of him, only to bow deeply before the Vice-Commander. "Ano... good sir, I would have gladly added all the mayo to infinity and beyond for you, but we're currently out of stock. The customer before you just took the last dollop in his dish."
Hijikata froze, feeling the lights in his world blowing out all at once as a strong gush of ice-cold wind swept over him.
What is this dark, gloomy vacuum sucking me in?
Is this... Hell? It must be, and today must be the day of Reckoning because Hell has finally frozen over Earth WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MORE MAYONNAISE?!
"I-It's all r-r-right," Hijikata managed to stutter, without bursting a nerve at his temple. "It's n-not like I c-c-can't eat mayonnaise w-without m-m-mayonnaise."
As the stall owner bowed again and offered several more apologies before turning to serve the other customers, Hijikata could only sigh in quiet frustration. Not only did he have to put up with everyone's ridiculous shit at work, he was also robbed of his moment of relaxation and enjoyment of his favourite dish.
(He made a mental note to write out a new public rule: Every stall and restaurant that didn't keep enough mayonnaise to last an entire business day will be fined 10, 000 yen.)
Someone tapped him on the shoulder then, and before Hijikata could turn to see who it was, a broad white arm (...flipper?) hovered over his bowl.
"Oi, what are you–"
And a huge dollop of high-fat mayonnaise was placed neatly on top of his dish.
Hijikata gaped at his bowl, cigarette still hovering expertly between his lips. And then he turned to gape at his blessed saviour.
A white man-sized-phallic-shaped-bird-like creature sporting an electric-red mohawk and a pair of shades sat beside him. It was chewing on a cigar. It trained its unblinking gaze straight at Hijikata, before holding up a placard.
YOU CAN HAVE MY MAYO.
It raised several other placards.
SOME DAYS YOU JUST CAN'T WIN.
THE WORLD CAN BE CRUEL AND PEOPLE ARE OFTEN COLD. BUT IF WE TAKE TURNS AT LOSING, THEN THE LOSERS CAN BE WINNERS TOO AND WINNERS CAN BE LOSERS. BUT THEY ARE ALSO STILL WINNERS FOR LETTING THE LOSERS WIN AND THE WORLD ISN'T SUCH A HARSH PLACE AFTER ALL–
Hijikata felt his left eye twitching. He didn't really care about winning or losing; he just wanted mayonnaise for his mayonnaise.
BESIDES, MEN ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER. SO CHIN UP, BRAH.
Which part of you is a man? Hijikata had wanted to ask. All I see is a giant duck. And what's with that hard-boiled speech?!
Well, he couldn't really complain if the gentleman – or gentlebird (duck, penguin, whatever) – was willing to part with his mayonnaise.
"Well then, don't mind if I do. Thanks for your generosity, Penguin-dono. Itadakimasu!" He gulped down a huge spoonful of the mayora special – only to hack and wheeze, choking.
He coughed and spat out the dollop of mayonnaise onto the table. In between the thick gelatinous mess, a single strand of wiry black hair stuck out.
Hijikata turned his head mechanically to gaze at the giant duck again, and down to where its legs should be under the table – legs that were covered with a coat of wiry black hair.
"Ah 'Zabeth, you spent so much time grooming your hair, you even got some onto your food?" said the long-haired man who had magically appeared beside the white creature.
Hijikata felt that vein in his temple finally bursting.
Later, on the six o' clock news, a case of suspected police brutality was reported.
"Huh, always knew those Bakufu dogs were nothing but corrupt pieces of trash." Sakata Gintoki mused, picking at his nose while watching clips of a man running rampage through the streets of Kabukichō and chasing after two seemingly innocent cosplayers on the TV.
Some days you just can't win.
Except for Hijikata Toushiro, Vice-Commander of the esteemed Shinsengumi, it was every other day.
... In my defense, this looked better in my head, lolsobs. I've been meaning to write fic for Gintama since I got hooked unto this series three months ago. The idea for this story came from a Tumblr fic meme: Leave a "Amuse Me" in my ask, and I will write a funny drabble about one character trying to cheer another up.
Fun fact: Gintoki wasn't supposed to be in the fic, but he managed to worm his way in anyway somehow?! (main character special privilege go!)
Not sure how I did with the characterizations here, since it's mostly crack and all. But I hope you enjoyed reading it either way :)